Grammar and Jokes

On - at - in

Places"Today I managed to work on the computer." "What did you do on it, dancing?"

Get - become

In a shop
A German customer asks: "Can I become an egg?" The assistant rolls on the floor laughing: "I don't know if you can, but I certainly wouldn't like to become one!".

Comparative

In the jungle
James and John wake up. They look out of the window and see a lion. The lion is coming nearer. James puts his trainers on. John asks: Why are you doing that? You are not faster than the lion! James: I don't have to be faster than the lion. I must only be faster than you!

A clever child
"Open your hands," says Aunt Betty, "and then I can give you some sweets." "Give them to Dad, please." says Doris. "Why? Don't you like sweets?" "Yes, but Dad has got bigger hands than I have!"

Candle
Gary: "Which burns longer - a white candle or a red candle?" Jimmy: "Neither - candles burn shorter not longer."

Be-going-to future

The space project
Some silly people have got a space project. A journalist asks: What are you going to do? Are you going to fly to the moon?
They answer: No! What are you going to do? Are you going to fly to the Mars? They answer: No! What are you going to do then? Oh, we are going to have the first man on the sun? But you are going to blow up in flames! No, we aren't. We're going to go there at night!

On the plane
The passengers in the plane were worried to see the pilot with a parachute on his back. "Don't worry," he says " I'm going to jump out of the plane and I'm going to get some help!"

Simple Present and Present Progressive

A new language
"My daughter is very clever. She speaks three languages and now she's leaning algebra. Sally tells Mrs Thomas what the word for 'Hello' is in algebra."

The fire
"Tell me, John, does your horse smoke?" "No, of course not!" "Then something is burning in your stable!"

Present Progressive with future meaning

Hospitable
"Petra, please sing a nice song for our guest." "But the guests are leaving." "Yes, but they're not leaving quickly enough."

Conditional 1

The field
A man asks a farmer: If I cross your field, will I get in time for the 6 o'clock train? The farmer says: Yes, you will. But if my bull on the field sees you, you will do it by 5 o'clock!

Want someone or something to do something, would like someone to do something

The chewing gum
The teacher is angry with Tony. "Tony," he says: "I want you to tell me what you've got in your mouth!" "Chewing gum." Tony replies. "Well then I would like you to throw it away." "I'm sorry, but I can't." says Tony. "It's Fred's chewing gum and he wants me to give it back.

Logical
"Claudia, why are you putting cocoa into the hen's food?" Mrs Johns asks her daughter. "Well," says Claudia. "I want it to lay chocolate eggs."

Careful girl
"Do you want to play with our new dog?" Tania asks Robert. Does it bite?" Robert wants to know. "I don't know," says Tania. "I want you to find that out."

English and American English

Giving help
The students have to copy a text from the book. The teacher is looking over a girls shoulder pointing downwards: "You've forgotten your period here!"

Alcohol where it belongs
In a semi-detached house an American asks a British: "Would you put this bottle of wine in the closet?" The British makes himself sure if he understood correctly: "You mean in the toilet?"